27th May 2013 - Durban

Seesaw & cousin

Roy and I have just returned from the High Court in Durban where building contractor, Seesaw Msoapme, a cousin of the incumbent president, has abandoned his company, Steelall. The letters of final demand showed that the unpaid debts, allegedly amounting to millions, were owed entirely by Seesaw. Seesaw made his money by subcontracting lucrative government tenders that he emphatically states were not given to him because of his relationship with his first cousin......No! 

Judge Foryourself catching a quick nap

One of the long list of subcontractors, Stiffbro, was granted an order by Judge Foryourself to liquidate Steelall Construction. Judge Foryourself, who had just finished a hearty lunch of processed recycled sausage meats & the odd can of dogfood for flavor, all sandwiched between two loaves of white bread & washed down by four liters of coke, had nodded off twice as her system tried valiantly to digest the culinary onslaught whilst still keeping her conscious enough to pass judgement. Court papers have revealed that Seesaw's company, Steelall, owed Stiffbro seven large ones, a herd of Nguni, three skins of the endangered northern Natal leopard & a mud hut next to Zuma's recently refurbished tribal compound at Nkandla. In 2010, Stiffbro had been subcontracted by the bankrupt municipality in Mpumalanga to build 400 low cost mud huts near Piet Retief for illegal immigrants from Swaziland & Mozambique, & occasionally including the odd lost Zimbo.

Forkjulle garden chair

Seesaw was questioned about his involvement with regard to procurement and payment of the aptly named, Stiffbro. He stated that the company was not operating now and man'age'ment had left the company to join an offshoot called Forkjulle that specialized in paper machet garden furniture specifically designed not to withstand rain.

'We need return business,' quoted the Mozambican area sales manager for Forkjulle, Mas O Menos Porkachees.

'la Zuma' Mud Huts

The Department of Human Resettlement in Mpumalange stated that we issued contracts to the value of R331 million and the biggest benefactor had been Steelall who had not paid for any of the work surrounding the 'state of the art' mud huts 'a la Zuma'. It seems as if any one related to the President gets preferential treatment when it come to tenders, and every one of them makes a complete dog's breakfast of the work if indeed they even attempt the work in the first place, all the while pocketing millions of tax payers' money & keeping all of BMW, Mercedes & Audi sales at an all-time high & only second to the Emirates on the world car market.

23rd May 2013 - Cloudcookoo Land

Roy and I have just returned from an education symposium with the iniquitous Timothy Gortharn, national head of the Governing Body Foundation & nothing to do with the Madame Tussauds wax museum in London. After years of facilitation, Very Basic Education Minister, Angiesline Motshektogone, has come to the conclusion in her infinite lack of wisdom that all pupils in national schools should learn an African language & that the chosen language must be a dialect from the Hottentots called Khoikhoi as the Hottentots are the only indigenous tribe from the southern tip of Africa that we now refer to as our South Africa. Motshektogone based her choice on the need for more multicultural integration in South Africa but is clearly oblivious that oil & water don't mix.

Objections were lodged by the Department of Very Basic Education on the grounds that there are other very difficult home languages that could be chosen. The wonderful sounding Ndebele, which is spoken by a small percentage of people who did not migrate north to the more fertile lands but went a long way towards destroying Zimbawe, should also be considered. On the otherhand, the fact that the Afrikaaner still hasn't grasped elementary English grammar, or even the basic phonetics of the English language despite being taught English at school for the last two centuries, & in fact still languish in some form of idiot Pigeon English with an accent only emulated by those with cleft palates, seems to have also escaped Motshektogone. A referendum by the man'age'ment had shown that Northern Sotho was popular with the poorer tribes, and the most popular language is from the Nguni language, that is Zulu. Nearly a quarter of the populace click their way through this communication medium and devoutely follow their leader, Gotya Brutal-Lazy, through thick & thin & bush & the odd toying toying march through Durban burning & pillaging the place to sunder.

Motshektogone has indicated that many of the general public had failed dismally in the workplace when they revert to either English or Afrikaans, much as most Afrikaan sports presenters fail dismally when asked to discuss 'ruckgby' tactics in English on air. Only an alien from a higher sphere could possibly understand them. Her office had researched the amount of productive hours that were being lost in dissemination of the native tongue, and, when she returned from a fully salaried extended sick leave of three years, she had decided to take it right to the top. When seated alongside the President at the Gotcha wedding at Sun City last week, Motshektogone decided to broach the subject using her mother tongue of Tswana to ignite his curiosity. When Motshektogone was escorted out ten minutes later, she was experimenting with a new version of sign language and only just man'age'd to retain her portfolio by endorsing the President & agreeing that the President had no recollection of the Gotcha's flight plans or the reasons for border control.

An adamantine Morechekstogone was insistent that the new criteria should be in place by the new year irrespective of any budget constraints. She went on to say that it was indeed time as the metric (sic) pass rate in rural areas had risen from 11% to 32% in just sixteen years. If the education books could be delivered timeously and not by some parastatal department owned by municipal employees, more schooled in corruption and thievery than anything else, then progress might be quicker. Gorthan had reminded her not to forget what had happened to the previous Education Minister. She said she was not forgetting any thing of the sort as she had not known it in the first place.

20th May 2013 - Katmandu

Roy and I have just returned from Katmandu where we went to meet the first Arab Woman to reach the summit of the world's highest peak of Mount Everest. Raga Anarrak, a 25 year old Saudi woman & distant cousin of Michel Anarrak of Gold Circle fame & part of a team called 'Arabs With Altitude', reached the summit on Saturday with a group of foreign climbers from Tel Aviv and an assortment of Nepalese trainee guides. The South African team headed by former Grikwas prop, Koos Vleis Van Deventer, had had been the subject of heated discussions after a brawl broke out with the young Sherpas near the ladder bridge, mainly because the ladder had gone missing. Van Deventer had fainted twice on the bridge before its mysterious disappearance, causing a blockage that took hours to clear ensuring that the more serious climbers lost valuable time and ultimately the opportunity to summit.

SA Everest contingent in training

The fitness of the SA contingent had been in question since the overweight leading linkman, Sorrie Foru, lost his footing and took half his following crew fifty metres down a ravine into a local corral of Yaks being milked by the Sherpa wives. 

Sherpa Vellie Tensing

Head Nepalese Sherpa,Vellie Tensing, who was carrying the imported Kudu biltong on his back pack, immediately discarded his baggage and reverted to local colloquialism to fire up the other Sherpas into a state of simmering rage. The free for all that ensued lasted all of three minutes until the ill-prepared skaaps ran out of energy and willingly gave up the fight and, of course, the climb.

Gyandera Shresta

An exhausted and extremelly gaunt Raga, who had impressed Gyandera Shresta, the cross dressing official with the Nepalase tourism ministry, with her tenacity, was resting up in a clinic at the time near the Human Rights offices at Everest base camp. Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world that effectively bars girls from taking part in sports at government schools, and Minky and Manurey, the director of global initiatives, said that it was a magnificent achievement considering that millions of girls in Saudi Arabia are denied playing any sport at all along with driving or eating in public. In a historic first for the country, two female athletes took part in the Olympic games in London. One took part in the over-dressed underwater synchronized swimming contest and the other finished last in the camel surfing contest. Both took their meals in the toilet & were ferried between their hotel & the stadium in an armoured security van.

The Saudi Arabian government spokesman, Havtu Repressall, said that they were initially unaware that Raga had left the country until thrashing her husband to within two feet of his life & stringing him up in Chop Chop Square before he finally informed them of her mission to climb the famous peak. The conservative Muslim kingdom had allowed a few girls from private schools to participate in some forms of sport so long as they wore a burka, full length clothing and kept strictly to themselves. Some liberty! Will the Arab Uprising ever think to consider their female partners, who they abuse ad nauseum, and allow them some degree of freedom to live a half decent & normal life?

17th May 2013 - Monaco

Herbie goes to Monte Carlo

Roy and I have just returned from Monaco where we were party to discussions about Herbie Ecclesbun's rather opaque future. The Formula 1 maestro has been accused, inter alia, of bribing a kraut banker, Gohard  Mustav Moremarks, to the tune of 44 million dollars. Ecclesbun, who looks like an aged & shrunken version of Andy Warhol on acid, has refuted claims that it was a bribe and said that Moremarks earned the money working for the interests of Formula 1. The High Court of Munchen in the suburb of Veelgetyoo, has ordered him to appear next month as they have veys and means of extracting the truth with or without his cooperation.

Luftwaffe girls

This is the second time that Formula 1 bosses have hit the headlines. Previously, we had Max De Mate's infamous twist on Berlusconi's Bunga Bunga parties when our Max was bust for cavorting with young nubile maidens all wearing an array of SS outfits & all named Luftwaffe. De'Mate was filmed goose stepping around the hotel suite in various Nazi Generals' uniforms as the Luftwaffe lasses fawned all over him in various stages of undress & an array of SS instruments of torture either in their hands or between their lithesome legs. That it is anyone else's business as to what happens behind closed doors is beyond me. The reported bondage & military exercises proceeded throughout the weekend until a sated De'Mate was whisked away ensconced in a wheel chair into an ambulance & onto Windsor Hospital suffering from acute hydration problems & with only remnants of his foreskin.

The Kremlin aka The Bunker

Ecclesbun, who strangely enough always stays in a state of the art mobile home affectionately known as the Kremlin by most and The Bunker by De'Mate (& we won't mention Max's term of endearment for his old pal, Adolf Herbie, I mean Herbie), initially declined our offer to discuss the escalating situation but then rather reluctantly agreed to be interviewed to squash all rumours once & for all. The octogenarian went on to emphatically deny any wrong doing and was simply paying Gohard a cash bonus for a job well done as per banking protocols of the time.

"It wasn't me. He went that way "

When informed that Gohard had become state witness for a reduced sentence & a more luxuriant prison (with private showers,bidet, sunbed, his own TV lounge & a private chef) just outside Baden Baden, Herbie was quoted as saying, 'I am a fire fighter and fly by the seat of my pants. The charges are a load of rubbish!'

Meanwhile, Ecclesbun's daughter, Today, is set to wed international businessman, Njoy Ruttin, in Cap Ferrat on the Cote d'Azure, an extravaganza purportedly costing £15 million all paid by the Bambi Trust in Switzerland. The couple reportedly met while researching the mating habits of reindeer in the Scottish Highlands outside Aberdeen and have been inseparable ever since, possibly something to do with his penchant for wearing antlers in the bedroom while listening to a recital of 'Mein Kampf' by Uncle Max & watching a video of reindeer cavorting in the spring, all this while strapping a riding crop across his own behind to the ecstatic delight of Today not to mention Max.