17th May 2013 - Monaco

Herbie goes to Monte Carlo

Roy and I have just returned from Monaco where we were party to discussions about Herbie Ecclesbun's rather opaque future. The Formula 1 maestro has been accused, inter alia, of bribing a kraut banker, Gohard  Mustav Moremarks, to the tune of 44 million dollars. Ecclesbun, who looks like an aged & shrunken version of Andy Warhol on acid, has refuted claims that it was a bribe and said that Moremarks earned the money working for the interests of Formula 1. The High Court of Munchen in the suburb of Veelgetyoo, has ordered him to appear next month as they have veys and means of extracting the truth with or without his cooperation.

Luftwaffe girls

This is the second time that Formula 1 bosses have hit the headlines. Previously, we had Max De Mate's infamous twist on Berlusconi's Bunga Bunga parties when our Max was bust for cavorting with young nubile maidens all wearing an array of SS outfits & all named Luftwaffe. De'Mate was filmed goose stepping around the hotel suite in various Nazi Generals' uniforms as the Luftwaffe lasses fawned all over him in various stages of undress & an array of SS instruments of torture either in their hands or between their lithesome legs. That it is anyone else's business as to what happens behind closed doors is beyond me. The reported bondage & military exercises proceeded throughout the weekend until a sated De'Mate was whisked away ensconced in a wheel chair into an ambulance & onto Windsor Hospital suffering from acute hydration problems & with only remnants of his foreskin.

The Kremlin aka The Bunker

Ecclesbun, who strangely enough always stays in a state of the art mobile home affectionately known as the Kremlin by most and The Bunker by De'Mate (& we won't mention Max's term of endearment for his old pal, Adolf Herbie, I mean Herbie), initially declined our offer to discuss the escalating situation but then rather reluctantly agreed to be interviewed to squash all rumours once & for all. The octogenarian went on to emphatically deny any wrong doing and was simply paying Gohard a cash bonus for a job well done as per banking protocols of the time.

"It wasn't me. He went that way "

When informed that Gohard had become state witness for a reduced sentence & a more luxuriant prison (with private showers,bidet, sunbed, his own TV lounge & a private chef) just outside Baden Baden, Herbie was quoted as saying, 'I am a fire fighter and fly by the seat of my pants. The charges are a load of rubbish!'

Meanwhile, Ecclesbun's daughter, Today, is set to wed international businessman, Njoy Ruttin, in Cap Ferrat on the Cote d'Azure, an extravaganza purportedly costing £15 million all paid by the Bambi Trust in Switzerland. The couple reportedly met while researching the mating habits of reindeer in the Scottish Highlands outside Aberdeen and have been inseparable ever since, possibly something to do with his penchant for wearing antlers in the bedroom while listening to a recital of 'Mein Kampf' by Uncle Max & watching a video of reindeer cavorting in the spring, all this while strapping a riding crop across his own behind to the ecstatic delight of Today not to mention Max.