1st May 2013 - New York

Anyone for a shot ?

Roy and I have just returned from New York where we met with the supreme court judge, Dred Ful Nheer, who had presided over the controversial decision to send Hollywood wildcat, Lindsay Lohan, to a clinic for ninety days of treatment for substance abuse. Lohan, whose career is littered with bouts of alcohol and drug abuse, sexual orientation confusion & sexual abuse, & lack of weight control among other physiological problems, has confided to close confidant and former Iranian partner (& second cousin twice removed to the supreme court judge, & now finally removed), Iva Snatch Nheer, that she wants to beat this terrible affliction once and for all.

Iva Snatch

Isa Moonsamy

Lohan will be treated at the See'nfelt Centre in Westhampton Beach, Washington state, near the old whaling station, where some of the more controversial treatments includes diving with Orcas. An indemnity signature for all clinic patients is compulsory. Lohan's struggle since puberty to define her ever changing sexuality has seen her in some turbulent predicaments, including the time she hit a brazen Hindi waiter with an opened bottle of Tattinger at the Tossmeorf dinner on the outskirts of Montgomery, for mistakingly calling her 'son' outside the ladies loo. Lindsay Morgam Lohan, whose middle name was taken from Morgan Chetty the medical practioner from Avoca Hills in Durban, was very nearly tandoori if it had not been for the evangelist Hindi, Isa Moonsamy, coming to her defense. Lohan's recent generous donation to the Moonchilds Foundation for Sexual Rehabilitation & Other Comforts based in New Delhi was much appreciated. The Foundation reciprocated by erecting a statue in honour of Lohan showing her hermaphrodite status.

Fellow caber "tossers"

On another Indian holiday, Lohan threw a tantrum after being accused of stealing a necklace from a Seik in Goa during a seasonal monsoon rain dance festival last year. The man accusing her, Vish Iwasder, said that she had slipped it into her special weave sporran given to her after she won a teen caber tossing competition some years ago at the Scottish Highland Games held in Woodlands, California, an anomaly after the entire transplanted Larch forest had been decimated by the organisers due to the event being so inundated with entrants including most of Hollywood's aspiring young actors & all the gym members from the various iron pumping gyms & 'cash n carry' steroid outlets along Venice Beach. Unfortunately, that was the last Scottish games held at Woodlands, now renamed Larchless & completely Larch free, of course.

Warriors waiting to show their moves

The judge did mention that he would consider reducing Lohan's sentence should she donate the town, formely known as Woodlands, with enough money before the next full moon to erect a resin caber manufacturing facility on the nearby Indian reservation, Totemcaberseere On Woodless Hill. Chief Totem Kabarnsons Under a White Sky Without Whitemen & Lohan Squaw declared Lohan an honary squaw at her donation induction dance where fifty young Red Indian warriors lined up outside her teppee from sunset to sunrise taking turns to show her their individual versions of the native fertility dance. A delighted Lohan recently announced inbetween whisky binges with her fifty new cohorts at Totemcaberseere On Woodless Hill that she is expecting sextruplets on the next full moon.