30th March 2013 - Dubai

Roy and I have just returned from Dubai in the Emirates. We had been asked to watch the final gallops at the ultra modern Meydan racecourse just south of the 'state of the art' recycled water works. Yes it's recycled. We flew in on a private jet supplied by the South African Department of Trade and Industry supporting well intoned initiatives, nepotism & all manner of corruption & insider traded tenders only. The nine seater plane, attended by a beautiful female stewardess called Thankless Dikeledi was empty apart from Roy and I. The filly we had come to watch, Graceless Ntombi, was due to work on the inside track with Lebanese triple jump track star, Duya Knowwhoiam, in the saddle. He had found fame, or was it notoriety, for running unplaced on eleven short priced favorites in a row while building his ten million dollar underground bunker in Qahwaji not far from the Green Line, courtesy of the Arab League Bookmakers' Association. His unique style of hanging off the bit and not using the reins had come into question when he first started street racing along the cobbled streets of

Duya on track

Thankless welcomes us aboard

Hamra Street in the old section of Beirut during one of the Hezbollah initiatives for victims during the month of Ramadan. Victims were usually sent in their speedos for a week's convalescence at the Wailing Wall on the west side of Jerusalem after a day of Russian Roulette traversing the Gaza Strip on a lame donkey donated by the Palestine Liberation Organization's one paramedic. Not surprisingly, few victims of ever stepped forward to announce their victim status under the cover of the National Council. Most preferred to stay at the orphanage in the district of Ashrafieh in downtown Beirut nursing the numerous donkeys that are routinely hit by Israeli anti-tank fire every Lent & inbetween rushing off for their individualised dance routines at the local strip club in Sodeco Square.

29th March 2013 - Alabama

Roy and I have just returned from Alabama to review the new developments regarding same sex marriages. The first case in question revolves around two gay men, Ivor Need and Slimp Meewhones, who met at a transcendental yoga class in downtown Montgomery. Slimp had found some fame in his home country, Yemen, where we has a very unlucky loser in the underwater smoking competition & firing squad competition - he who is left standing, wins. The government has taken a firm stand....for lack of a better term, to oppose same sex marriage for many years, but the federal government has challenged the rule that marriage is only between men and woman. Chuck Yuall, from a remote area on the Mississippi river has lodged papers to be allowed to marry his male St Bernard. It was ultimately declined on the grounds of a religious clause on bestiality. And the Federal govt has definitely drawn the line over an application from a remote Tennesse town called Signal Mountain. Benjamin Cousins applied to marry his step-brother, Aiden Cousins, but was declined the licence even though his father, Jayden Cousins, married his sister, Nya Cousins. It gets even more confusing in the remote hamlet of Eastern Tennessee called Oak Ridge, one of the first uranium mines in the United States & that could explain alot. John Wayne, based on his hermaphrodite status, applied to marry both his sister & his brother. It was duly granted by the Baptist Church ruling council in Oak Ridge, aboard of twelve comprising 5 males, 5 females & two Hermaphrodites. The Hermaphrodites most certainly swung the vote although there was common consensus that families should always be kept together where possible.

Slimp & ivor protesting Gay Marriage 

Chuck & his St Bernard partner

27th March - London

Roy & I have just returned from London and the last supper with Boris Berezovsky at his Mill Lane mansion, Titless Hill Park, in Ascot. When we touched down at Genghis Khan, sorry Chaka Khan, I mean King Shaka airport in Durban, we were indeed saddened to hear of our dear friend's demise at the hands of the FSB, I mean at his own hands, stalwart advocate of democracy in Russia that he had become, even if that transition was in an inverse exponential relationship with the rapid decline of his once considerable fortune. Nevertheless, a family man he was, be it surrounded by more armoury & concealed armaments than found on the Gaza strip most sundays. Quite why MI5 deems his sudden & unexpected death an accident is beyond the two of us, considering he was about to testify on the ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko's highly suspicious death from radioactive polonium poisoning at the hands of a twosome of FSB agents over high tea in a swanky London hotel a few years back. Berezovsky was recently quoted as saying, "I am 67 years old and I don't know what I should do." Well clearly, the FSB had other ideas & knew exactly what he should do...Pass on my friend, pass on. Moral of the story, don't mess with Vladamir Putin, no matter what.

Don't mess with me

26th March 2013 - Bangui, CAR

Roy and I have just returned from Bangui, the capital of the Central African Republic where we had been summoned to respond to a takeover by recently declared president, Michel Djotodia. He had been the leader of the coalition party for three whole weeks since he slaughtered any dissidents, or anyone else for that matter with even the slightest vision of grandeur who could possibly be contemplating a challenge to his newly acquired position. He had first tried to fire a rifle accurately when he was just ten years old, having first tried to shoot a passing goat but instead shooting his poor old & aging grandmother in her ample derrière while she was bent over picking mealies off the ground in their backyard. She had walked with shrapnel buried in her gluteus maximus & a visible limp for the rest of her days. He honed his limited marksmanship skills in the not too Democratic Republic of Congo before emigrating to the Central African Republic & pursuing his career in extortion & banditry. N'Jadder, the President of the Revolution for Democracy, stated that he did not recognise Djotodia as the president, which is hardly surprising seeing that Djotodia looks more like a close relative to the highland guerrilla from the neighbouring Cameroons. Funnily enough, N'Jadder had first found fame when his home bred filly, Likamadef, had won the Kenyan Derby at Ngong only to fail the dope test with a positive for an alien magic mushroom extract from the highlands of Bolivia near Puma Punku, not far from Lake Titicaca, & supposedly introduced to this planet from another galaxy & time. The filly in question most definitely ran her race like she was on a different level of time, not to mention space, with visiting Bolivian jockey, Don Juan, only eventually pulling her up at the end of the main runway of the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport in Nairobi, a good twenty kilometres from the finishing line of Ngong Racecourse. Needless to say, the filly promptly expired at the eventual pull-up on runway 2B with the blood test being extracted posthumously by the airport emergency medical staff. Mysteriously, Don Juan had his recently acquired Bombadier Gulfstream executive jet waiting at the end of the runway for permission for take-off from air traffic control. Don Juan was last seen scrambling up the emergency chute at the rear of the aircraft, & never to be sited again at least on planet Earth.

Michel Djotodia

Likamadef ridden by Don Juan going to post

25th March 2013 Karachi

Roy and I have just returned from Karachi where we invited to monitor the recent Pakistani elections. Former President Musharraf stayed in the newly renovated Impeachment Room, having just returned from exile in Dubai where he resided at a very posh UAE apartment on the Dubai Marina Yacht Club. Prior to his departure & his return to his homeland, Musharraf attended a tandoori barbecue in his honour at the previous weekend's send-off near the man-made nudist beach in Riyadh. At the event, he declared himself as favourite to dispose Prime Minister, Nawaz Sharif. Inbetween large gulps of Egyptian spearmint antacid, Gaviscon, and uncontrollable gastric reflux not akin to an ageing Jordanian camel in musk, he waved a clearance certificate from the Bhutto family whom he was once charged with failing to protect. Musharraf boldly declared he did not fear for his life despite repeated death threats from the Tehreek- E-Taliban, or a raging meltdown at the Nuclear Power station on the outskirts of Abbottabad, recently upgraded & ultimately sabotaged obviously by the Iranian secret service division, SAVAK. Is this man for real?!

An ageing camel

the former president

22nd March 2013 - Nkandla

Roy and I have just returned from a fact finding mission to the Presidential Compound, Nkandla. We were invited to evaluate the tenders for the President's renovation of the Tuck Shop, a four storey warehouse stocked largely with luxury perfumes, lingerie & designer shoes for the President's constant stream of female guests. Condoms, it was noted, were conspicuously absent from the shelves. The contract was awarded to us by IFP spokesman, Lindewee Cheethemall, smartly dressed when introduced to us in a Christion Dior one-off ensemble that the President himself chose while on a EU bailout conference in Paris in early March. The conference was chaired by Dominique Strauss Kahn, the international bonker, and happened to coincide with the book launch of Marcela Lacub's kiss and tell autobiography, "La Belle et Bete", that detailed her seven month affair with the incumbent IMF chief back in 2012 that included graphic details of his ear fetish. The President and Strauss Kahn spent quite some time together inbetween conference sessions at a home improvements exhibition perusing various showerhead designs. We digress a little...There were four sealed envelopes handed down to us by ANC spin doctor, Veli Collupt, for verification. Three quotes were within a spread of a few hundred thousand rands difference, but, surprisingly, the one for a six million premium was the successful bid.  The successful tender company, Frank-N-Furter, is owned by President Zuma's three-part step-cousin, Lobollo Zuma, renown gender bender from the East Rand and star of the Soweto production of The Rocky Horror Show with his/her exeptional rendition of the chart topper, "Sweet Transvestite".

21st March 2013 - North Korea

Roy & I have just returned from Pyongyang in North Korea as guests of Kim Jong-un. We were tasked the project of sourcing some third grade uranium for the experimental nuclear reactor northwest of Acht-dong. As remuneration for our efforts, we were presented with a freshly painted two bedroomed bungalow in the upmarket residential area of Itaewon in Seoul, South Korea, where the Acht-dong missiles are currently pointed. We found this puzzling. We had used our Afghani source, Kilma Naybhor, to source a splitter, PU 239, first discovered in the Cavendish laboratory in Cambridge by a part-time cleaner, a Saudi woman, Ahmad Amund Al Kaholic, while redistilling some warm Paarl Perle wine. 

Utilizing Bert Le Clos' clout, we accessed the SANDF's mostly redundant nuclear submarine fleet for our return journey, strangely enough operated by Bert's former gardener, now Rear Admiral of the South African Navy, Sipho Dlamini.

20th March 2013- Mongolia

Roy and I have just returned from a most interesting race in Mongolia ridingTahki ponies side saddle, generously donated by the Xiongnu tribe. Our 1958 refurbished Dakota flew into the peripheri of the vast Gobi desert to a secluded airstrip on the side of a mountain near Ulan Bator, the capital. What our Lebanese travel agent failed to tell us prior to departure was that Ulan Bator is certainly one of the coldest cities on this planet. 

Thank goodness for the Xiongnu's fond attachment to the Bos Grunniens, more commonly referred to as the humble yak in most western civilisations. On casting their monolithic gazes over our feeble & trembling white frames, the Xiongnu duly slaughtered half a dozen of the hairy beasts prior to the start of the race. The skins were duly smoked, half dried in their yurts & wrapped around our bodies to ward off hyperthermia & a much shortened race in theory. 
After a hors d'oeuvres of skinned python we were assigned to ride the locally bred semi-wild & mostly fully unbroken ponies all the way to the Caspian Sea, a journey of ridiculous terrain over absurd distances that only inbred Mongoloids could possibly even contemplate. Needless to say, our backup team in a hot air balloon generously donated by a defunct Egyptian tourist company, picked us up on only the second day in a deflated state of delerium with Laff mumbling something about the 7th race at Clairwood

19th March 2013- Chernobyl

Roy and I have just returned from a trip to Chernobyl where we were invited by the Hamas anti-cruelty league to view the flora & fauna 'post nuclear devastation', all part of that administration's anti-nuclear war drive in the Middle East. Our Palestine Airlines pilot turned off the engines of our Dreamliner with his one good arm as we glided gracefully over the ghost city. It was an effort much appreciated by all as we lauded his acumen of averting any chance of spontaneous combustion from the plane's now infamous lithium batteries as we descended to shallower climes for better viewing over the slightly combustible & highly radioactive atmosphere of the nuclear microcosm that was once the thriving, not to mention healthy, city of Russia's premier nuclear power provider. As we looked out of the windows of our super light, & occasionally incendiary, composite aircraft, we waved somewhat forlornly, albeit in unison, at the five legged cats that now stroll along the deserted boulevards in bemused ignorance of what they have since become, stellar freaks of the post nuclear meltdown that was the disaster of Chernobyl.

18th March 2013 - Cyprus

Roy & I have just returned from Nicosia in Cyprus after meeting President Anastadiades over an olive oil deal with opposition leader, George Lillikas, brokered in the neolithic village of Khirokitia. It was rumored that this led to the collapse of the island's banking system with losses estimated at Euro 10 billion & with subsequent government decision to levy a 10% tax on bank account holders. Ultimately, this may have scuppered our foray into the olive oil business and will surely be our last deal, or indeed the last time the two of us will be allowed on the island. Anyone for a martini?

17th March 2013 - Vatican City

Roy & I have just returned from Vatican City where we accompanied the Archbishop of Burkhina Faso, Iver Semhee, as official translators from Swahili to Pigeon English. His spiritual home has just collapsed so he has gone from concave to conclave. The Vatican was awash with pious devotees all waiting for the white smoke the likes of which were last seen when an Air Zimbabwe plane, hijacked from a DRC diamond mine owned by an illegitimate son of Robert Mugabe, crash landed on a Colombian marching powder factory campsite on the periphery of Bogota run by the Medellin cartel's cardinal in training, Hughesio Marcheto.

Pope Francis bids us farewell !

16th March 2013 - Tristan da Cunha

Roy and I have just returned from a surfing holiday off the coast of Tristan de Cunha. The appalling e coli count of the polluted seas, however, left us with a strain of dysentery last witnessed in downtown New Delhi shortly after the torrid monsoon rains of '68. Arriving back at King Shaka looking more like we had returned from a short holiday in Krakow or after a screen test for a David Bowie music video, we caught a taxi to a reed dance in northern Natal & a buffalo feast of gargantuan proportions...intermingled with a variety of local titillation.

Darn that e Coli !!!