22nd March 2013 - Nkandla

Roy and I have just returned from a fact finding mission to the Presidential Compound, Nkandla. We were invited to evaluate the tenders for the President's renovation of the Tuck Shop, a four storey warehouse stocked largely with luxury perfumes, lingerie & designer shoes for the President's constant stream of female guests. Condoms, it was noted, were conspicuously absent from the shelves. The contract was awarded to us by IFP spokesman, Lindewee Cheethemall, smartly dressed when introduced to us in a Christion Dior one-off ensemble that the President himself chose while on a EU bailout conference in Paris in early March. The conference was chaired by Dominique Strauss Kahn, the international bonker, and happened to coincide with the book launch of Marcela Lacub's kiss and tell autobiography, "La Belle et Bete", that detailed her seven month affair with the incumbent IMF chief back in 2012 that included graphic details of his ear fetish. The President and Strauss Kahn spent quite some time together inbetween conference sessions at a home improvements exhibition perusing various showerhead designs. We digress a little...There were four sealed envelopes handed down to us by ANC spin doctor, Veli Collupt, for verification. Three quotes were within a spread of a few hundred thousand rands difference, but, surprisingly, the one for a six million premium was the successful bid.  The successful tender company, Frank-N-Furter, is owned by President Zuma's three-part step-cousin, Lobollo Zuma, renown gender bender from the East Rand and star of the Soweto production of The Rocky Horror Show with his/her exeptional rendition of the chart topper, "Sweet Transvestite".