Tuesday 25th June 2013

 



Roy and I have just returned from Maastricht in the Netherlands where we went to watch master musician and egomaniac, Andre Rieu, complete the final touches to his new vision of beaming his concerts across the globe through participating cinemas.

 

Andre Rieu

Affectionately known by his psycophantic fans as the King of Waltz, Andre has launched his biggest and most spectacular concert performed to date for cinemas.

Maastricht

The concert has been filmed in front of thousands of adoring fans in the beautiful medieval backdrop of his hometown of Maastricht, famous for the fiscal treaty and Orangutangs that have featured in so many cinematic extravaganzas.

Octogenarian actor and director, Squint Leastwould, once famously used one of his pieces in his seventies western classic, Hennie Witch Hay But That Way Bruce, which featured Clyde as a soppy camel's assistant & sometime sleeping companion.

Squint Leastwould

Rui with his John Mc Veigh non-hairstyle and John Travolta switch hitting ego has played to sold out concerts since the Dead Sea was on the critical list, and is now trying to get his masterful compositions out to the masses via more affordable media streams, and given his penchant for detail, this venture could catapult him way ahead of current pop stars. Rieu has courted controversy for many years with his apparent disdain for orchestras that did not play 'my way' as in the Johann Strauss Orchestra, and many journalists have been on the wrong side of his wrath over their comments whether founded or not.

 

Auditions for Likmadef Sweetly

His musical instrument of choice is the 1667 Stradivarius violin that was created a few years apart from the French euthanasia instrument of choice, La Guilloitine, both having been known to send people scurrying in all directions. Under his father's instruction, Rieu began playing the violin at age five and by his teen years had mastered his music, and, may it be said, most of the local girls & the odd yodeller attracting many a suitor. Rieu has always had something of a rock star demeanour and has been the single most important person in the revival of the Waltz music category. Ever the boastful egomaniac, Rieu is a wonderful musician and it is a pity that the bulk of classic radio stations refuse to play his adopted brand of vintage music. He speaks many languages including Limburgish, Dutch, French, English, Pigeon Italian, Swahili and a colloquial spin on Argentine Spanish that most Argies struggle to comprehend with the exception perhaps of some rural gauchos from the remote Patagonian region, and can swop from one dialect to another at the drop of a Stradivarius or the odd Argentine matador's bull. His two favourite pieces are the Dutch Blue Danube & the Greek favourite 'Likmadef Sweetly or Not At All'.

 

His extra large orchestra, the equivalent of a small Austrian village, travels in a convoy of several large buses, strangely supplied by a neo-nazi group from Braunau am Inn, the birthplace of its most famous citizen, Adolf. The Mercedes buses are state of the art with a new Lebanese recycling system imported from Downtown Beirut. Andre has never forgiven the Walt Disney organisation for not allowing him to write the film score to the film, "The Sound of Music", which is accredited to Richard Rogers and his partner, Doesn't. Andre has been offered the chance to produce Emmimen's latest album, Recovery. He turned it down for two reasons due to two prior commitments, firstly a concert for Old Age Pensioners in the Barvarian town of Rogersberg, and secondly, a duet with Eminem at a concert in the former East Berlin with the title, Rap is Crap, Waltz is Better.

 

 

21st June 2013

Roy and I have just returned from Royal Ascot, a most regal racecourse in the middle of the Berkshire countryside, where we were hoping to witness Shea Shea win a Gr1 for the first time for a South African bred in Royal Ascot history.

 

Homo Sapiens - Abboud

 Mike Abboud, the Egyptian cross-dressing champion double adaptor, has volunteered to be my dailychauffeur, butler & sometime masseur. We eagerly set off at 11am on the inaugural day of thismost wonderful racing carnival to enjoy the delightful picturesque setting on a fine & glorious summer's day in the land of old & in the company of the most noble of creatures, the thoroughbred racehorse.



Royal Ascot Cross-Dressers

The two of us managed to scrum our way through the world's biggest car park, the M25, and on down the M3 to the outskirts of Ascot where we met the conflux of traffic from every conceivable angle. To say that the traffic was slow would be a huge understatement as we limped along at an arthritic snail's pace to the parking area allocated us. We eventually got on to the course just under two hours after we had set off. It is certainly a magnificent social occasion with the pride of British racing in attendance & all rubbing shoulders from aristocracy to Liverpool plumbers, albeit in different enclosures. The rules are rigid. Women are required to have something perched on their heads from all sorts of hats to a miriad of fasteners, with the men all sporting various shades of top hats as they enjoy the atmosphere in the various enclosures.

More cross dressers - sometimes known as women

For the first race, just after Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth had arrived with her pre-selected guests in horse drawn carriages, the ring announcer had to ask the impish jockeys three times to mount before they complied. The excitement was palpable when champion racehorse, Animal Kingdom, went down to the start as heavy favourite in the first Gr1 event of the meeting.  

Animal Kingdom - "Darn those Poms!"

 

The American champion had already shown his unquestionable ability on two different continents & including racing on three very different surfaces, and he was now hoping to make his final bow from racing over the undulating hallowed turf of Ascot on yet another continent on his way to the rogering barn with a dramatic & final swan song.  Alas it was not to be as he pulled like a demented dentist on acid and was a spent force long before the rising ground, leaving losing betting tickets strewn across the course like confetti at a fourth of July celebration. But it was a brave attempt at the very least.

The gallant Shea Shea

It was now time to see whether super sprinter, Shea Shea, could prove the worth of South African bloodstock and win the prestigious King Stand Stakes. He was given a very good ride by Christophe Soumillion who timed his run up the inside with great precision to hit the front at the furlong mark only to be denied by Sole Power in the shadow of the winning post. I very much doubt that it would have been the same result if they had run alongside each other as Shea Shea has always liked to chase horses, and being alone down the inside he clearly thought he had done enough. The Ascot track is wider than a reed dancer's backside and the two horses finished a full wheat field apart from each other. It was a valiant effort and made all the remarkable by the transworld travels that prevail upon our unfortunate South African equine athletes.

Sozzled Cockney Barman Sid

Our next move, which was probably our best, was to introduce ourselves to the cockney barman located next to the bandstand. After the races, the bandstand comes to life with the locals raucously singing renditions of popular British dittys such as Havana Nagilla and the chart topper from all over the Midlle East, Awedony, made famous by Amr Diab. The only way we could look forward to our ride home was to wait until the crowd thinned out, and that only occurred as the second show Drive In was coming out in Mpumalanga and the famous car park piss ups were finally calling it a night.

 

 

18th June 2013

Roy and I have just come back from an invitation to join the Springbok rugby team for their game against the visiting crossdressers in their kilts all the way from Scotland.

The kilted crossdressers

We booked into our hotel in this very Afrikaans speaking city, Nellies'spread, and went to join the anachronistic prayer meeting on the eve of the game at the Church of the Skaap Boeres. On game day, the team coach Heineken Miller stirred up old Skaap passions as he implored his impressively sized team to play for their country & the President in particular. Watching the game and game plan or lack of it, one has to wonder if coach 'Two Beers' is getting it right. The two props, Jannie Twoplusthree and Just Hadafeast Intotherearer, had been given another chance to prove they deserved to remain as the Bokke incumbents. Again their performance was lower than the Bagdhad skyline, and Two Beers and the SARFU organ grinders need to possibly look elsewhere to solve the problem."



Ï'm heeeere...

Spear Please, the vice captain and number eight, who probably has the best body in the sport, is a shadow of his former selfs and should possibly look at another sport like jousting on Lesotho ponies or BMX acrobatic cycling on the Durban beachfront.

In the first half of the Test, the Boere played with their traditional laager mentality of bygone Bulls sides and were put to the sword by an aggressive attacking display by the Scottish Fifteen. Two Beers must have been pulling his hair out watching this one dimensional Skaap team stumble into half time on the wrong end of the score line. The team talk, no doubt delivered in various Afrikaans expletives intermingled with the occasional line in Zulu to satisfy BEE requirements, seemed to lift the torpor that had engulfed the squad in the first half and took effect immediately the second half started.


What did ya say?!

For once, the first instance of indiscipline did not emanate from the protein stacked & overly pumped Bokke, but from the irate Scottish second rower, a certain Mr Hamilton, who pushed Iam Elizabeth in the proverbial chops with the predictable handbag throwing match ensuing.
After Hamilton's subsequent dismissal, the outnumbered Scots were unable to hold off a steadily improving local side, and the inclusion of the younger brigade helped flatter a largely over-rated Springbok team. Heineken Miller has had some easy touches to the start of his tenure after taking over last year from the wildly gesticulative & utterly illiterate, Peter Devilears.

The untutored

Devilears, who often sounds like a whimpering, untutored imbecile, did at least come away with a mildly consistent and competent team (mostly coached by the senior players admittedly), and, but for some howling decisions by some Kiwi pygmy official, Twice Torrence, could have added another World Cup to the country's coffers. 

"Tha mi a'fuireach ann on Eirinn" = I live in Ireland

Anyway, the post match speeches after this most recent test were quite unusual, requiring an interpreter & subtitles to understand Scottish captain, Roy Laidlow. Then man of the match, Si Killeasy, treated viewers to a new dialect of Newlands slang emanating from Pollsmor prison in the Cape that would flummox most seasoned coloureds. Baas Boota then took the slaughtering of the English language to a new level that an uneducated thug from Manchester would fail to duplicate as he tripped over the most basic grammar with pronunciation a mating chimpanzee could better.

13th June 2013....Vatican

vatican choir boys

Roy and I have just returned from Vatican City to substantiate claims of a gay lobby vying for power and influence within the Vatican. Current and recently ordained head of the Catholic Church worldwide, Pope Francsbinkisst, a 44/1 shot to win the vote when the white smoke emerged from the Vatican enclave earlier this year, has found himself having to face a long simmering & probably smouldering underground gay movement within the Catholic Church and now oversee a dossier handed to him by erstwhile pope, Pope Bendthedict, on his abrupt departure. On Tuesday, Vatican spokesman, Fredrico Longballme, did not deny the reports but stated that he wished to make no further comment on the matter & would rather retire for some introspection to a local gay club, Incognito, on the periphery of the Vatican grounds adjacent to a pharmaceutical company that has manufactured female contraceptives since '68 & has been funded from conception (forgive the pun) by the Vatican Bank.

Frangelico

 

The Latin American group, the Regional Organization for Priests and Nuns of Religious Order, known by its Lebanese acronym, GHEY, issued an apoplectic apology emphasizing that it was most distressed by the article. The organization has long been the subject of speculation about a gay lobby, and the sudden retirement of Pope Bendthedict was rumored to have been the result of ongoing internal squabbling & wholesale blackmail on an unprecedented scale. It has been commonly reported that Pope Bendthedict had asked three senior cardinals to investigate leaks regarding the scandal that homosexual clerics existed within the Vatican and that there was a strong probability this group had been blackmailed by some informed laymen from the Vatican spanking sector... I mean banking sector. The Vatican Secretariat of State, Cardinal Terdinand Feltsumkids, said the reports were "unverified, unverifiable or completely false" and retired to Incognito for a nightcap with long time companion, Longballme.
 

The notion there may be gays in the Vatican might come as a shock to the 1.2 billion Catholics but it is a wake up call to the blinkered devotees that all is not well in Rome. The ever present expose of paedophilia within the papal ranks has cost the Vatican millions in followers not to mention sunday stipends, and made followers reconsider this ancient and covert order within and beyond the Roman Curia. With Pope Francsbinkisst taking a new stand on openness and hoping to distance the Catholic church from 'Omertà', the Italian deep rooted & entrenched code of silence, he is bound to open  Pandora's box although admittedly no chance of any other. The latter is left to the nuns at the Instituto Maria Bonissimo Bambinos nunnery on the periphery to the gates of Rome.

Bunnied fowl

 

Vatican expert, Rodger Delocalsnicely, explained that the gay lobby had been discussed with the internal investigation unit that came out from Sicily (again excuse the pun) around a private table at Incognito. The party enjoyed a sumptuous dinner of bunnied fowl followed by a special dance routine display from the in-house gay boys...sorry show boys...a few shooters of Benedictine & at least a dozen bottles of Frangelica to cap off a wonderful passionate display by the male prepubescent entertainment. 

 

Cardinal Pullme from Tristan de Cunha, now a senior adviser to the papacy, said that all the problems began with the leaked diaries from the former papal butler, Señor Rubmyunderwear. The diaries, it is alleged, open a can of worms regarding the proclivities of the scarlet robed brethren and their nocturnal activities. It seems that Bendtheedict was not the only pious devotee to stand down after Archbishop Dlamini was sent fudge packing back to downtown Rwanda........!

Cardinal Pullme

 

24th May 2013 - Pretoria

Colonel 'Big Mac'

Roy and I have just returned from SAPS Headquarters in Pretoria. We had been invited by senior police researcher (there is only one) Colonel Cheeze Burger, affectionately known as 'Big Mac', to look into allegations, first floated by the Ograbis Bugle, that the police website had been hacked. Big Mac initially thought that someone had simply taken a machete to the computer as is the norm amongst 'toy toying' protesters but, after looking up 'cyber attack' in the dictionary, rephrased his response to the public & stated that the police had in fact outsourced an IT specialist from Abuja in Nigeria (infamous for orchestrating the 419 scams) to 'look into the matter' with the help of man'áge'ment & the various Nigerian drug pedlars on Point Road in Durban (as long as they all received a blanket amnesty as part of the arrangement).

"I think it is in the national interest that we offer these criminals amnesty as part of our investigation into this matter. This is vital for our national security." Phasta was quoted as stating with the wisdom of an orphaned elephant on whoonga.

Almost 16 thousand confidential emails (are there any other type on police sites?) were hacked and made public in objection to the recent Marikana Miners slaughter with no-one being bought to book over the massacre although the national President has stated in defence of the police force that they had made every attempt not to fire their Uzis until all other options had been exhausted such as landmines, agent orange, carpet bombs, tanks, smuggled nuclear warheads from North Korea & Chernobyl, and so on. And the President also observed astutely that the unfortunate event did occur over a Friday. He noted that the police always look forward to their Friday lunch socials (with the first twelve beers free for the first ten officers only) at the Pretoria Headquarters canteen which might help explain the hasty decision to open fire.

'Someone should be getting the boot' seems a more appropriate course of action when even the police in our troubled land cannot protect their own supposedly secure site. Police spokesman Brigadier Eet Putu Phasta said that the police cyber crime unit (there is only one), headed up by Yoruba iBoot from Abuja (as long as he can continue with his credit card scam for another two months), was investigating and that he was hopeful the hacker would be bought to book, as indeed he is hopeful of reducing crime (delusionally & with no bearing on reality) on at least two days this year. Phasta has stated that the overburdened police force must take small steps at a time to combat this new form of crime.

"When we rush in, we ultimately bugger things up," he added accurately for the first time this year.

Afrikaaner realtor, Koos Yookan, was appalled to hear that his complaint against the drug riddled neighbourhood had gone viral. What especially irked him, & more than his philandering wife whom he once found In Flagrante Delicti at a community braai with the new dominee, Gert Gobbelear, was that he had not had any response to his complaint. For the safety of his family, he had decided to buy a state of the art caravan second-hand from 'Burnin' Ecclestone (who is quickly dumping assets to be cash ready) and keep moving to stay ahead of the savage criminals who continue to traumatise local residents in his area. It was reported in the Ograbis Bugle that he was camped on the corner of Dlamini and Gazza streets in Kempton Park.

Another troubling factor centred on the accusations against purported paedophiles and their whereabouts in the community, and also the alleged rape cases (there is more than one). Eet Putu Phasta said that he was not bothered about one isolated incident and that the public could rest assured that everything would be done to protect the public as long as it was not over lunchtime.....Would they, hell!

11th June 2013 - London



Howstrange

Roy and I have just returned from the Ecuadorean Embassy in London where we enjoyed high tea with the most famous whistle blower of modern times if not all time, Julian Howstrange, to discuss the latest move by the self-designated world 'super cops', the United States of America. The Yanks have, in their illogical & hypocritical wisdom and usual gung-ho confrontational style, called for the incarceration of young Hawaiian resident, Ed 'the Truth' Snowdon, for - wait for it - telling the truth! Snowdon has courageously decided to expose the CIA & tell the whole globe about Big Brother's underhand voyeurism & outright non-endorsed spying of the general public infiltrating all of the entire internet & telecommunication systems the world over, and quite rightly so.

Ed the Truth

Snowdon has been forced underground somewhere in Hong Kong, after an initial stay at the health spa of the Misa Hotel in Kowloon that he has since vacated, where unfortunately there is an extradition treaty with the land of the 'not so free'. The ever ebullient Howstrange, who incidentally needs to be knighted not hounded by the non-bathers in northwest Europe, has again lambasted the Yanks in no uncertain terms and has rightly urged the rest of the world to stand up to their perennial bullying & mindblowing bigotry. Many of the Americans interviewed have been repulsed by the actions of the government and have called on President Barracko Palmer to intervene, seemingly oblivious to his complicity in the first place..

Barracko Palmer

We gratefully accepted an assortment of gifts from Howstrange, including some new edible strawberry prophylactics from an al-Quaeda managed Karachi glue factory that he doesn't need at present (even if he did wish to assuage his bovine lust they would be superfluous at this point), and most wonderful of all, a new hacking program designed by Wikilicks to infiltrate all secret military sites the world over just in case our Julian doesn't make it out of his self-imposed incarceration. He has been confined for many months after lame accusations of sexual harassment were directed at him from a couple of swinging Swedes on the CIA's Stockholm informants & payroll list.

Snowdon, who flunked out of school before finding his way into the CIA where he quickly rose to the position of scrumhalf before his portfolio included technical assistant in the IT hacking department, has been accused of making it world knowledge that the NSA is cutting into Joe Publics' communications including some very prominent internet servers without their apparent knowledge, &, most importantly, without any criteria or even any democratic due process whatsoever....what bullshit! Snowdon himself refuses to live in a society that is not free even if the security company contracted to the CIA that employs him does pay a generous salary of close to a quarter of a million dollars per annum. Now that shows some integrity! The CIA & American government would do well to take a leaf out of Snowden's book, or, quite possibly, they will be looking at their own home grown version of an Arab uprising.



Comarade at Selfridges

Ecuadorian consulate in London

The British, in true old boy style, have rubbished suggestions that they are in any way involved - hmmm - and current Prime Minister, David Comarade, has addressed his cronies at the Eton Old Boys Club, sometimes known as the Conservative Party, to dismiss all allegations whether founded or not. Pushing his shore-break fringe to one side, Comarade urged any British companies to come forward if they were in cahoots with the Yankees. Spying was an anachronism that belonged to another epoch.' He stated emphatically. After the lack of a stampede or response of any kind for that matter, Comarade left with the London Mayor, Blondie Johnson, for their weekly bouffant together at Selfridges. 

10th June 2013 - Ulundi

Ulundi reed dances

Roy and I have just returned from Ulundi where we met with officials from the opposition party, the DA, most of the King's bodyguards & lackeys & at least two dozen of Zumba's illegitimate male offspring municipal employees to oversee well-founded allegations on the misuse of municipal funds leveled at the strangely named Department of Arts, Culture, Sports & Recreation, & Government Repackaged Holidays. The DA slammed the department for its wasteful expenditure after it had splashed out ten million on just four provincial functions. The largest example of unadulterated extravagance was the profligate wastage on the bi-annual Reed Dance, a Zulu cultural oddity largely promoting polygamy & sometime sexual abstinence, the latter that is, until picked as a bride when all hell lets loose & the unfortunate maiden is turned into an infant conveyor belt for the remainder of her unproductive life. The only women allowed to participate in the Reed Dances are strictly 'hymen intact' black African heterosexuals, overweight & with little idea of family planning. Polygraphs to ascertain virginity were introduced post independence but were quickly scuppered due to the total lack of compliancy & ultimately lack of participants themselves. 

chuk imbonesi

These days the local witch doctor, Chuk Imbonesi, determines who is ineligible for the Reed Dance through a process of throwing dead artifacts across the kaya floor (mostly severed paws from the endangered northern Natal leopard) and reading the messages carried therein. Since the dumping of polygraphs, only one girl has failed under this sangoma system when she gave birth to six bouncing babies in the middle of the main dance. By the time the girl in question had dumped all six of the bellowing foetuses, she resembled a sweating, heaving mass of hybrid hippopotamus being chased by bewildered elephant bulls in musk. On the way to hospital, she was rumoured to be stunned by the turn of events as her current boyfriend had not only undergone two vasectomies by Chuck Imbonesi, but had used bargain priced condoms handed out by a joint initiative of the Catholic & Lutheran churches in Mariannhill.

The 4.3 million rand of state coffers pales into insignificance when compared with the alleged corruption in the Manase report, that Governance MEC, Nowon Doubtmee, has withheld from the very same rate payers who funded it in an effort to cover up for implicated ANC cronies. What our ignorant and not surprisingly arrogant public servant, Doubtmee, fails to comprehend is that the theft of 252 million of folding stuff by her corrupt buddies came from Durban rate payers in the first place. The patronizing and hubristic Doubtmee arranged for a commission to report on the criminality of her comrades, with the Manase report costing the overburdened ratepayers another fifteen million, & yet states that it is for ANC scrutiny only when it is an investigation into misuse of PUBLIC funds!! What kind of delusional, befuddled, non-thinking is this?? And she is governance MEC!!! Is there any wonder that we have a total failure of proper & legitimate governance in this province?

Nowon Doubtmee

        

 Another very interesting demand comes from our new minister of sport, Fickle Madeablue, who has told Government that the SA Sports Awards will cost 65 million rand this year. Yes you have read that figure correctly. While polishing off an extra large helping of ground yams & sorghum accompanied by a double helping of French fries (that MacDonalds doesn't even offer as a 'supersize me' option) & a dollop of putu & gravy sprinkled with half a cellar of salt & enough chilli for any self-respecting Indian to raise a white flag, he stated that the bulk of the funds were being used for ministerial outreach programmes, which is a covert euphemism for out & out banditry. What have ministerial outreach programmes got to do with the SA Sports awards, may we ask? There are a couple of categories that spring to mind - the corrupt achiever's award, the most family members in parliament award, the blatant thievery award, the least hours worked award and finally the most travelled award. This isn't a gravy train, it is more like a runaway juggernaut or a steam train going over a cliff. And no, Africa wasn't ready for self-governance after a century of colonial rule whichever way you look at it.

Fickle Madeablue

4th June 2013 - Kwazulu Natal

Roy and I have just returned from the University of Kwazulu Natal where the provincial water research commission headed up by Johnson Thin, Arsestretsha Ganesh & Moreinbelly Singh had just submitted their report on the current state of the Umgeni River. Head of the commission, Borsha Moonsrunny, said that the river is so full of harmful diseases like cholera, salmonella, shigella, dysentery and several virulent strains of candida that the water would make an entire convent itch. Many cases have resulted from tainted drinking water, non-irradiated cooking water, irrigation water run-off from subsistence rice padis in Chatsworth and run-off from the bi-annual native washing ritual in Resevoir Hills.

Borsha Moonsrunny

The suspected outbreak of diarrhea has struck various sectors of Durban from the defunct sewerage plant on the periphery of Toti all the way to the health spas at the coastal resort of Zimbali. Patients at the new E B Khan trauma ward complained of the total inability to control their sphincters and extreme levels of incontinence resulting in an acute shortage of adult nappies all the way down the eastern region of South Africa. Head doctor and professor of anal studies at Mangostuthu Technikon, Ramit Hupmyharse, reported that he had not seen such an outbreak of bizarre & virulent cases of extreme gastro-enteritis since the E coli outbreak in Chatsworth during the '92 Dewali celebrations caused by the rancid goat road kill used in the curry tiffins sanctioned by then town mayor, Sevi Roti mBull, as part of the town board economy drive.

Ivor Shatmyselfagin in Ganges

The reasons being tabled by researchers brought over from the Ganges Water Dept in Delhi for the calamitous state of water affairs sought to explain that raw sewerage is entering the river from the informal settlements that are springing up along the river banks right the way down to the crowded Umgeni estuary. The lead researcher from Delhi, Ivor Shatmyselfagin, said that in his wide experience he had never encountered a more heavily contaminated river water system than that of the Umgeni. The lack of sewers and the steady rise of quickly installed & cheap drop toilets from an Isipingo BEE community workshop headed up by one of Zuma's first cousins had added to the woes of the filthy river. The Dept of In-house Waterworks from the Polano Hotel in Maputo, managed by one of Zuma's seventeen known sons, Andintill Zumba, had forwarded some suggestions that could either amplify or eradicate the problem (mostly involving concentrated chlorine imported by their Chinese partners on the hotel board from Shanxi Province). Mauritian spokesman, WC Latrines,

Andintill Zumba

stated that only very extreme measures would ensure any remote measure of success given the total failure of Natal provincial man'age'ment to address the problem that erupted just two years after independence in '94.

Borsha, who has headed the department since he was given the post by his brother, Dump, who incidentally headed the sanitation section of King Edward Hospital before contracting typhoid whilst sleeping on his shift in the trauma unit as his doctor uncle was in the shower undergoing some new HIV hygene treatment at the suggestion of the president's alternative health drive under then Minister of Health, Mango Tshabalas Missin, has asked the government to cough up thirty billion to disinfect the main arterial river with a concoction of olive oil & lemon juice. Head of remuneration for the government, Saks Full, has told Borsha that the man'age'ment budget department had no spare funds owing to the overspending regarding the Gotcha fiasco & the refurbishment of Nklandla in time to house his guests & their aeroplane at the said mudhut compound.