10th June 2013 - Ulundi

Ulundi reed dances

Roy and I have just returned from Ulundi where we met with officials from the opposition party, the DA, most of the King's bodyguards & lackeys & at least two dozen of Zumba's illegitimate male offspring municipal employees to oversee well-founded allegations on the misuse of municipal funds leveled at the strangely named Department of Arts, Culture, Sports & Recreation, & Government Repackaged Holidays. The DA slammed the department for its wasteful expenditure after it had splashed out ten million on just four provincial functions. The largest example of unadulterated extravagance was the profligate wastage on the bi-annual Reed Dance, a Zulu cultural oddity largely promoting polygamy & sometime sexual abstinence, the latter that is, until picked as a bride when all hell lets loose & the unfortunate maiden is turned into an infant conveyor belt for the remainder of her unproductive life. The only women allowed to participate in the Reed Dances are strictly 'hymen intact' black African heterosexuals, overweight & with little idea of family planning. Polygraphs to ascertain virginity were introduced post independence but were quickly scuppered due to the total lack of compliancy & ultimately lack of participants themselves. 

chuk imbonesi

These days the local witch doctor, Chuk Imbonesi, determines who is ineligible for the Reed Dance through a process of throwing dead artifacts across the kaya floor (mostly severed paws from the endangered northern Natal leopard) and reading the messages carried therein. Since the dumping of polygraphs, only one girl has failed under this sangoma system when she gave birth to six bouncing babies in the middle of the main dance. By the time the girl in question had dumped all six of the bellowing foetuses, she resembled a sweating, heaving mass of hybrid hippopotamus being chased by bewildered elephant bulls in musk. On the way to hospital, she was rumoured to be stunned by the turn of events as her current boyfriend had not only undergone two vasectomies by Chuck Imbonesi, but had used bargain priced condoms handed out by a joint initiative of the Catholic & Lutheran churches in Mariannhill.

The 4.3 million rand of state coffers pales into insignificance when compared with the alleged corruption in the Manase report, that Governance MEC, Nowon Doubtmee, has withheld from the very same rate payers who funded it in an effort to cover up for implicated ANC cronies. What our ignorant and not surprisingly arrogant public servant, Doubtmee, fails to comprehend is that the theft of 252 million of folding stuff by her corrupt buddies came from Durban rate payers in the first place. The patronizing and hubristic Doubtmee arranged for a commission to report on the criminality of her comrades, with the Manase report costing the overburdened ratepayers another fifteen million, & yet states that it is for ANC scrutiny only when it is an investigation into misuse of PUBLIC funds!! What kind of delusional, befuddled, non-thinking is this?? And she is governance MEC!!! Is there any wonder that we have a total failure of proper & legitimate governance in this province?

Nowon Doubtmee

        

 Another very interesting demand comes from our new minister of sport, Fickle Madeablue, who has told Government that the SA Sports Awards will cost 65 million rand this year. Yes you have read that figure correctly. While polishing off an extra large helping of ground yams & sorghum accompanied by a double helping of French fries (that MacDonalds doesn't even offer as a 'supersize me' option) & a dollop of putu & gravy sprinkled with half a cellar of salt & enough chilli for any self-respecting Indian to raise a white flag, he stated that the bulk of the funds were being used for ministerial outreach programmes, which is a covert euphemism for out & out banditry. What have ministerial outreach programmes got to do with the SA Sports awards, may we ask? There are a couple of categories that spring to mind - the corrupt achiever's award, the most family members in parliament award, the blatant thievery award, the least hours worked award and finally the most travelled award. This isn't a gravy train, it is more like a runaway juggernaut or a steam train going over a cliff. And no, Africa wasn't ready for self-governance after a century of colonial rule whichever way you look at it.

Fickle Madeablue