Roy
and I have just returned from the University of Kwazulu Natal where the
provincial water research commission headed up by Johnson Thin, Arsestretsha
Ganesh & Moreinbelly Singh had just submitted their report on the current
state of the Umgeni River. Head of the commission, Borsha Moonsrunny, said that
the river is so full of harmful diseases like cholera, salmonella, shigella,
dysentery and several virulent strains of candida that the water would make an
entire convent itch. Many cases have resulted from tainted drinking water,
non-irradiated cooking water, irrigation water run-off from subsistence rice
padis in Chatsworth and run-off from the bi-annual native washing ritual in
Resevoir Hills.
 |
| Borsha Moonsrunny |
The
suspected outbreak of diarrhea has struck various sectors of Durban from the
defunct sewerage plant on the periphery of Toti all the way to the health spas
at the coastal resort of Zimbali. Patients at the new E B Khan trauma ward
complained of the total inability to control their sphincters and extreme
levels of incontinence resulting in an acute shortage of adult nappies all the
way down the eastern region of South Africa. Head doctor and professor of anal
studies at Mangostuthu Technikon, Ramit Hupmyharse, reported that he had not
seen such an outbreak of bizarre & virulent cases of extreme
gastro-enteritis since the E coli outbreak in Chatsworth during the '92 Dewali
celebrations caused by the rancid goat road kill used in the curry tiffins sanctioned
by then town mayor, Sevi Roti mBull, as part of the town board economy drive.
 |
| Ivor Shatmyselfagin in Ganges |
The
reasons being tabled by researchers brought over from the Ganges Water Dept in
Delhi for the calamitous state of water affairs sought to explain that raw
sewerage is entering the river from the informal settlements that are springing
up along the river banks right the way down to the crowded Umgeni estuary. The
lead researcher from Delhi, Ivor Shatmyselfagin, said that in his wide
experience he had never encountered a more heavily contaminated river water
system than that of the Umgeni. The lack of sewers and the steady rise of
quickly installed & cheap drop toilets from an Isipingo BEE community
workshop headed up by one of Zuma's first cousins had added to the woes of the filthy
river. The Dept of In-house Waterworks from the Polano Hotel in Maputo, managed
by one of Zuma's seventeen known sons, Andintill Zumba, had forwarded some
suggestions that could either amplify or eradicate the problem (mostly
involving concentrated chlorine imported by their Chinese partners on the hotel
board from Shanxi Province). Mauritian spokesman, WC Latrines,
 |
| Andintill Zumba |
stated that only
very extreme measures would ensure any remote measure of success given the
total failure of Natal provincial man'age'ment to address the problem that
erupted just two years after independence in '94.
Borsha,
who has headed the department since he was given the post by his brother, Dump,
who incidentally headed the sanitation section of King Edward Hospital before
contracting typhoid whilst sleeping on his shift in the trauma unit as his
doctor uncle was in the shower undergoing some new HIV hygene treatment at the
suggestion of the president's alternative health drive under then Minister of
Health, Mango Tshabalas Missin, has asked the government to cough up thirty
billion to disinfect the main arterial river with a concoction of olive oil
& lemon juice. Head of remuneration for the government, Saks Full, has told
Borsha that the man'age'ment budget department had no spare funds owing to the
overspending regarding the Gotcha fiasco & the refurbishment of Nklandla in
time to house his guests & their aeroplane at the said mudhut compound.
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