4th June 2013 - Kwazulu Natal

Roy and I have just returned from the University of Kwazulu Natal where the provincial water research commission headed up by Johnson Thin, Arsestretsha Ganesh & Moreinbelly Singh had just submitted their report on the current state of the Umgeni River. Head of the commission, Borsha Moonsrunny, said that the river is so full of harmful diseases like cholera, salmonella, shigella, dysentery and several virulent strains of candida that the water would make an entire convent itch. Many cases have resulted from tainted drinking water, non-irradiated cooking water, irrigation water run-off from subsistence rice padis in Chatsworth and run-off from the bi-annual native washing ritual in Resevoir Hills.

Borsha Moonsrunny

The suspected outbreak of diarrhea has struck various sectors of Durban from the defunct sewerage plant on the periphery of Toti all the way to the health spas at the coastal resort of Zimbali. Patients at the new E B Khan trauma ward complained of the total inability to control their sphincters and extreme levels of incontinence resulting in an acute shortage of adult nappies all the way down the eastern region of South Africa. Head doctor and professor of anal studies at Mangostuthu Technikon, Ramit Hupmyharse, reported that he had not seen such an outbreak of bizarre & virulent cases of extreme gastro-enteritis since the E coli outbreak in Chatsworth during the '92 Dewali celebrations caused by the rancid goat road kill used in the curry tiffins sanctioned by then town mayor, Sevi Roti mBull, as part of the town board economy drive.

Ivor Shatmyselfagin in Ganges

The reasons being tabled by researchers brought over from the Ganges Water Dept in Delhi for the calamitous state of water affairs sought to explain that raw sewerage is entering the river from the informal settlements that are springing up along the river banks right the way down to the crowded Umgeni estuary. The lead researcher from Delhi, Ivor Shatmyselfagin, said that in his wide experience he had never encountered a more heavily contaminated river water system than that of the Umgeni. The lack of sewers and the steady rise of quickly installed & cheap drop toilets from an Isipingo BEE community workshop headed up by one of Zuma's first cousins had added to the woes of the filthy river. The Dept of In-house Waterworks from the Polano Hotel in Maputo, managed by one of Zuma's seventeen known sons, Andintill Zumba, had forwarded some suggestions that could either amplify or eradicate the problem (mostly involving concentrated chlorine imported by their Chinese partners on the hotel board from Shanxi Province). Mauritian spokesman, WC Latrines,

Andintill Zumba

stated that only very extreme measures would ensure any remote measure of success given the total failure of Natal provincial man'age'ment to address the problem that erupted just two years after independence in '94.

Borsha, who has headed the department since he was given the post by his brother, Dump, who incidentally headed the sanitation section of King Edward Hospital before contracting typhoid whilst sleeping on his shift in the trauma unit as his doctor uncle was in the shower undergoing some new HIV hygene treatment at the suggestion of the president's alternative health drive under then Minister of Health, Mango Tshabalas Missin, has asked the government to cough up thirty billion to disinfect the main arterial river with a concoction of olive oil & lemon juice. Head of remuneration for the government, Saks Full, has told Borsha that the man'age'ment budget department had no spare funds owing to the overspending regarding the Gotcha fiasco & the refurbishment of Nklandla in time to house his guests & their aeroplane at the said mudhut compound.