21st June 2013

Roy and I have just returned from Royal Ascot, a most regal racecourse in the middle of the Berkshire countryside, where we were hoping to witness Shea Shea win a Gr1 for the first time for a South African bred in Royal Ascot history.

 

Homo Sapiens - Abboud

 Mike Abboud, the Egyptian cross-dressing champion double adaptor, has volunteered to be my dailychauffeur, butler & sometime masseur. We eagerly set off at 11am on the inaugural day of thismost wonderful racing carnival to enjoy the delightful picturesque setting on a fine & glorious summer's day in the land of old & in the company of the most noble of creatures, the thoroughbred racehorse.



Royal Ascot Cross-Dressers

The two of us managed to scrum our way through the world's biggest car park, the M25, and on down the M3 to the outskirts of Ascot where we met the conflux of traffic from every conceivable angle. To say that the traffic was slow would be a huge understatement as we limped along at an arthritic snail's pace to the parking area allocated us. We eventually got on to the course just under two hours after we had set off. It is certainly a magnificent social occasion with the pride of British racing in attendance & all rubbing shoulders from aristocracy to Liverpool plumbers, albeit in different enclosures. The rules are rigid. Women are required to have something perched on their heads from all sorts of hats to a miriad of fasteners, with the men all sporting various shades of top hats as they enjoy the atmosphere in the various enclosures.

More cross dressers - sometimes known as women

For the first race, just after Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth had arrived with her pre-selected guests in horse drawn carriages, the ring announcer had to ask the impish jockeys three times to mount before they complied. The excitement was palpable when champion racehorse, Animal Kingdom, went down to the start as heavy favourite in the first Gr1 event of the meeting.  

Animal Kingdom - "Darn those Poms!"

 

The American champion had already shown his unquestionable ability on two different continents & including racing on three very different surfaces, and he was now hoping to make his final bow from racing over the undulating hallowed turf of Ascot on yet another continent on his way to the rogering barn with a dramatic & final swan song.  Alas it was not to be as he pulled like a demented dentist on acid and was a spent force long before the rising ground, leaving losing betting tickets strewn across the course like confetti at a fourth of July celebration. But it was a brave attempt at the very least.

The gallant Shea Shea

It was now time to see whether super sprinter, Shea Shea, could prove the worth of South African bloodstock and win the prestigious King Stand Stakes. He was given a very good ride by Christophe Soumillion who timed his run up the inside with great precision to hit the front at the furlong mark only to be denied by Sole Power in the shadow of the winning post. I very much doubt that it would have been the same result if they had run alongside each other as Shea Shea has always liked to chase horses, and being alone down the inside he clearly thought he had done enough. The Ascot track is wider than a reed dancer's backside and the two horses finished a full wheat field apart from each other. It was a valiant effort and made all the remarkable by the transworld travels that prevail upon our unfortunate South African equine athletes.

Sozzled Cockney Barman Sid

Our next move, which was probably our best, was to introduce ourselves to the cockney barman located next to the bandstand. After the races, the bandstand comes to life with the locals raucously singing renditions of popular British dittys such as Havana Nagilla and the chart topper from all over the Midlle East, Awedony, made famous by Amr Diab. The only way we could look forward to our ride home was to wait until the crowd thinned out, and that only occurred as the second show Drive In was coming out in Mpumalanga and the famous car park piss ups were finally calling it a night.