16th April 2013 - Mogadishu

Roy and I have just returned from Downtown Mogadishu where suspected members of the Islamic militants group, Al Kebab, have been running amok in a resurgent re-occupation of the capital. They have predicted more horrific attacks on Mogadishu, said El Kebab spokesman, Sheik Abdialysis Abu Samoosa,

Morehamhead Suliemanob

Sheik Abdialysis Abu Samoosa

in between bites of fried Cajun goat meat wrapped tightly in a durum roti from the goat meat factory in Timbuktu.

The well organised attacks on the devastated city have made the African peace keeping troops, courtesy of the SANDF Reserves, search door to door to try and flush out El Kebab’s supply of goat meat rotis in an effort to stymie their well organised offensive within the city. The security forces led by Somalia’s finance minister, Morehamhead  Suliemanob, have called upon the one friendly country to come to their aid to buck up security, improve the country’s infrastructure & build his mansion on the south side. 

Ima Loota Tu

The first response came from Haiti’s Minister of Internal Affairs, Ima Loota Tu, who strangely and unexpectedly came to power after the last earthquake, supposedly financing his election campaign from looted goat meat & generally wild game offal. He called from his holiday home on the Isle of White, alongside the world famous rubber duck factory, Soo Mali Yachts inc., to confirm Haitian assistance.

At least one car bomb went off and many jihadists blew themselves up outside the law courts, with two destroying themselves outside the Halaal goat meat processing facility just as a herd of goats were noisily and reluctantly being herded into the mince meat processor. Analysis by the local Labatoire de Monguldishu confirmed Somali DNA contamination in the goat rotis served from the government kitchens during a three hour lunch break during a ten minute government symposium on ”social upliftment under the welfare state”. 

Samoosa leaves his bunker

The reasons for  attacking the law courts was more a symbolic gesture as the incumbent government wanted to reform the judiciary and control their own finances from the various aid donations, and especially to control the Samsung 60” TV imports. The car bomb, reportedly made in an underground laboratory in Lower Manhattan, had the desired effect by demolishing the entire west side of the fortified airport and sending the dated control tower spinning into orbit to its final resting place on the helipad of the nearby UN patrol ship, HMS The Iron Lady. Flights, both in and out, resumed as soon as the dust settled and the runways were cleared of roadkill that had littered the runways prior to the explosion after a UN delegation of 4x4’s had been unloaded en masse from half a dozen customised & overloaded Antonovs.  Samoosa had controlled the whole attack from his bunker under the government buildings, and believes that all the bombings would have been more devastating if the other eight car bombs had functioned as they were designed and, presumably, made to do.  

  

Sheikh Samoosa was highly regarded amongst the Al Kebab Jihadists & had found fame years earlier when he captained the Punjabi Nite Steekers in the inaugural IPL tournament.

Samoosa in action for the Punjabi Nite Steekers

Wuda Shuda Cuda

He was an extremely quick opening batsman for the Punjabi Steekers & one of his bouncers took half of the Australian Merv Hooghyes' handlebar moustache clean off in the opening over in front of a hundred thousand 'wagons'. The indecisive captain, Wuda Shuda Cuda, dropped him, leading to him losing his lucrative sponsorship with the Ijuba Bru Brewery on Point road in Durban.

He disappeared from the sporting world only to resurface in a wingsuit gliding competition in Katmandu, Nepal.