18th April 2013 - Ukraine

Roy and I have just returned from the Ukraine where we were invited to one of the regular social parties for mail order brides and beautiful partners of course. The old Soviet Union has realised that the ratio of ten to one is most appealing to American and British men who have failed dismally at love in their native countries. The romance tours that meander through many of the major cities are extremely popular and the one we were invited to is being held in the Ukrainian capital, Kiev. I am seated next to a sweaty overweight American from the Manitou islands on Lake Michigan, who’s nervous tick is as pronounced and obvious as the rest of his genetic shortcomings. He has paid two thousand dollars and has never been surrounded by so many attractive women in his life. And after the fillies have got wind of his breath, he never will be again - ever. He had been married to Bambi Angel Burrs for eight years before divorcing her after her pet dog, Chastity, had continuously attacked him whenever he approached her, possibly something to do with his lascivious penchant for bestiality.  

Bambi Burs and Chastity




"The girls are mosly sincere and craving attention and wish to start a new life in the west," he recounted as he poured himself another extra strength vodka made in the backwater of Poltava from recycled mountain springwater. "I might not be suitable to American women, but I have plenty of money and know how to treat a lady!"




Yoosa Vibratovski

To say that he might not be suitable or appealing to American women would be an understatement of humongous proportions as we had seen more attractive hedgehogs semi-frozen in the middle of a Siberian winter . Everyone wears name tags to make it easier to communicate, & even though less than 5% speak some form of broken Pigeon English, a prerequisite course in sign language at the Serbian Institute for Deaf Restitution proved the trick.The girl that I was speaking to, Yoosa Vibratovski, albeit through a Lebanese interpreter, Hugh No Whohiam, who incidentally missed out on the Serbian sign language course, told me that local men drink themselves stupid and that domestic violence was becoming more & more intolerable since the onset of Glasnost & the rise of expendeable income. Life abroad had to be much better even if dental hygiene was below the standard of all the beaver hunters in outer Mongolia.

Downhalongdrop & mail order bride

on her wedding day

Another girl from uptown Warsaw relayed some of the problems faced by foreigners in a strange country. The agency that mismatched her with Welshman, Downhalongdrop Mine, never told her about residence permits, the culture of biannual divorce and the extraordinary Welsh habit of singing all day long, mostly during showers at sunrise, midday & sundown at the local rugby club. She had spent so many hours at the Cllinmawid Dragons Rugby Club that most people thought she coached the U14b side, which incidentally she did but it had little to do with rugby.

Recently she had dental repair by the local blacksmith when some of the buck shot from her usual dinner of jugged rabbit, freshly caught at the 25 meter line by a collapsed scrum, shattered both her lower premolars. She added that to engage in a long term relationship with a Welshman, ultimately a total impossibility, one had to drink excessively, of course, and pander to the most primitive of foreplay, usually a game of hide and seek in a nearby wood during a thunderstorm, and sexual antics that revolved around some primal rutting ritual dressed in sixteenth century drag mounted on a white horse & only on days with a partial eclipse over leap years.