Monday 8th April 2013 - Durban

Roy and I have just returned from the Durban CBD to assist 300 ex-Ezemvelo Wildlife rangers, formerly Natal Parks Board cleaning employees, & now 'empowered' metro police officers with their own sideline businesses in the taxi industry, the flourishing government tender industry & the Point Road drug trade, who had all decided to raid the cosmopolitan municipality on the pretext of searching for illegal cash bribes. Suffice it to say, no cash was 'found' on the premises. But several invoices were discovered pertaining to municipal employee sideline companies involved in various non-tendered government tenders for the upliftment of black government management only.

Our police chaperone, Honesty 'Furshur' Dlamini, raised as a shepherd boy in the Nguni rich plains of the Transkei with an evening street hawker butchery business specialising in cut-price road kill & the odd neighbour's Nguni, told us that the police had decided to carry out five quarterly raids to clean up and regain the streets of the former 'Engles' colonial stronghold of the Port of Durban.

The police had earmarked coloured street hawkers, Lagos drug dealers, white taxi drivers from the Ark's Homeless Shelter for the Alcohol Compromised & Unemployable, & various Indian panelbeater chopshops specialising in totalled & stolen taxis only. Decidedly miffed taxi drivers had decided to block the intersection of the various city roads, mostly named after various obscure Cuban communist heros whose connection to Durban seems spurious at best, & all armed with a wide collection of illegally imported Russian armoury from the Yeltsin era. The cops illegally closed off the corner of Shady Ndlovu and Premula Crafty Bongu streets with a Sherman tank on loan from the SANDF via a military auction held in Kenya by the illegitimate grandson of new President elect, Uhuru Kenyatta, a day after his inauguration last week.

Metro Police setting up the road block

Taxi spokesman, Lostamy Lisenseforsure, said that it was patently evident that the metro police were prejudicing the taxis by not allowing them to ferry their passengers in their recently reconstructed E40 model Toyota bakkie cross combis, courtesy of Ramlugan's Panelbeaters on a makeshift side street off Point Road after the recent demolition of the Customs & Excise building.

The most astonishing part of the raid was the assortment of wares the street hawkers had on display. Kudu foreskins marinated in boot polish to make them look more like Buffalo hides culled from the Kruger Park drought of '92,  alongside their biggest seller, an oyster based aphrodisiac made from freshly culled Lesotho pony hooves (from a Royal polo match apparently) mixed with formaldehyde used to preserve half of the Drakensburg Adder population poached in 2012 by a family entourage of King Hibrie Roy III while on christmas holiday at the Drakensburg Sun outside Underberg, courtesy of Prince Harry's Sentebale Charity co-founded with Prince Seeisall of Lesotho, all part of the team prize from the annual Sentebale Polo Cup held at the King's palace grounds, of course.

'Anyone for a 'G 'n T'? Twelve, did I hear twelve? Barman...twelve gin & tonics...please...would you be so kind? Thankyou so much!'