22nd April 2013 - Houghton, Gauteng

Stranded Swedes

Roy and I have just returned from downtown Houghton in Gauteng where we attended an inquiry on the totally missing funds of the South African Football Association (SAFA).The accusations of missing money had been levelled straight as an arrow, & initially delivered via a carrier pigeon shot down over his weekend mudhut, at the strangely named CEO, Dennis Mumble, once a famous public speaker at the second inaugural Toastmasters competition in Pilgrims Rest. The World Cup Committee spokesman, an understudy to Serve Platter, I M Korrupt, said that millions had been unaccounted for ('Eish! Howzat?'), and that the annual audit by KPMG showed irregularities last seen during Robert Mugabe's first international trip to Sweden when he commandeered the national carrier's entire Air Zimbabwe Boeing 737 fleet. Okay that was only two aircraft, but it did leave over two hundred stranded Swedish dignitaries attending the 'free Zimbabwe' elections to ensure that the locals had an elementary grasp of arithmetic & knew how to count from one to ten.
   

One of Dennis's new cars

When pressed to account for the seventeen brand new canary yellow Mercedes S series, AMG modified models, that were bought from his brother-in-law, Winston Stutter, in Patternoster, Dennis lamented that these were the only colors available. The SAFA President, Kisten M'harse Newattendant, berated the Olympic committee with the zest of an agitated chimpanzee at a Tennessee research lab on genetic engineering, gesticulating that they had not given them enough money to manage local football at 'the grass roots level', or for his new Nguni laden farm & sometime training ground on the periphery of Underberg in the Hlatikulu Valley. The fifty million rand budget had not stretched far enough to allow them to buy the new Volvo buses required to ferry in supporters from the poorer jurisdictions of South Africa as the buses required 4x4 modifications & bullet proofing to manouvre safely along the district untarred & potholed emasculated roads along the outlying areas of the Transkei & Lesotho, with the occasional detour to Windhoek when the driver fancied a frankfurter 'n sauerkraut roll as a snack.

Head of the Audit Team - Letmie Ckecitout

The legal administration team leader for KPMG, Letmie Ckecitout, had alluded to the fact that SAFA only had one and a half million left in the piggy bank, and that they had many commitments to meet, and many personnel to pay including all of King Zwelethini's extended family sired along the borders of Natal, Mpumalanga & the Northern Cape.  A former Scorpion judge, Handson Imbongi Bakhan, who has always advocated the death penalty by machine gun fire, was asked to arbitrate. When quizzed on what he thought of euthanasia he said that they were no different to the youth in Europe.

Balance of SAFA account

He thought that Nkandla would be better served for the future 'at grassroots level' as a youth backpackers lodge & suggested they converted the incendiary section into a pizza oven for cheaper meals. Dennis Mumble has been told in no uncertain terms that if South Africa did not get it's kraal together, there was every possibility that they would be expelled from FIFA or have to face the wrath of Handson Bakhan, an idiot not to be trifled with.